Codename: Overprotective, Objective: Maneater
by SirIntegrity
Summary: AKA: Why Integra doesn't date. Warning: contains head-ripping, boy-ness, and Alucard going overboarderly protective.


**Ten Years Earlier:**

"What is Integra doing elbow deep in flour?" Alucard asked, observing her from out of earshot as she carefully formed the dough into circles onto the cooking sheet.

"I believe she's baking cookies, chocolate chip by the look of the bag," Walter commented.

"Why didn't she just ask you to make them?" Alucard said.

"I don't know…I do believe Miss Integra is up to something, seeing how she's going over to Bobby's this afternoon."

"Bobby?"

"A boy her age down the street. They home school together; Integra's father and Bobby's father used to take turns teaching them, but now it's only Bobby's father," Walter said, rather than point out yet again how Integra's father had passed on, "Why are you up?" He changed the subject.

"Couldn't sleep. But why is she baking cookies?"

"Alucard, I don't know why she is baking cookies," Walter said exasperantly, "Maybe she's going to bring them over to Bobby's house."

Alucard frowned.

Later on, he followed Integra to Bobby's house. She had arranged the cookies in an orderly pyramid, set them on a china plate, and sealed them with plastic wrap to keep them fresh. Now if only she could concentrate half as well on paperwork, she wouldn't have so much to do.

She rang the doorbell to a house down the street. A tall, lanky, looking-older-than-thirteen boy answered the door.

"Hey, Teggie."

"Hi, Bobby. I brought some cookies we can share," she gushed, causing Alucard to gag.

"Great! My dad's not here, so we can go up and eat them in my room."

Dad not there…go up to his room…Alucard wasn't liking this one bit. He followed the two up to his room and stayed in the shadows, watching as the young boy preyed on his master's innocence.

**Present Day:**

Seras walked into Sir Integra's office to report on Alucard and her mission. Another police-girl-take-out-the-ghouls-while-I-waste-an-incredible-amount-of-silver-bullets-to-overkill-the-main-vampire-after-some-witty-banter. She supposed since he didn't go hunting as often as he'd like (as in every five minutes); he lived it up when he did.

Integra sat, her eyes blank, frowning, one hand supporting her head. She looked so...lonely.

"Sir Integra?" She asked. Integra glanced at Seras and then straightened.

"I assume everything went smoothly?" She inquired, flipping through her papers. She pulled one out of the stack and set it on top, picking up a pen.

"Yes, besides Alucard wasting a magazine when a single bullet would have sufficed," Integra sighed.

"England's running out of silver crosses," Seras hesitated in the doorway. Integra glanced up from her report, surprised that Seras was still there. She usually didn't spend more time than necessary in her office, "Is something wrong, Seras?"

"No, well, yes," Seras took a deep breath, "Not that it's any of my business, but you looked rather lonely just now," Integra smirked.

"I was just thinking," she explained. Seras stood there a minute, gathering her courage.

"A suggestion?" She asked. Sir Integra glanced back up, a comical expression on her face.

"Proceed."

"Maybe you should go out for a night," Sir Integra pursed her lips.

"A walk does sound good…"

"No, I mean like on the town."

"Like a date?"

"Precisely," Sir Integra shook her head.

"No, never again," she said solemnly. Seras approached her desk.

"Surely you haven't been hurt _that_ badly, that you'd give up on all men?" Seras insisted. Sir Integra smirked.

"You don't know Alucard," she said, smiling wistfully. Seras found herself unable to process what she had just heard.

"Al, Alucard? Master?" Her voice squeaked.

Sir Integra laughed.

"Oh, you think I mean that he broke my heart? No, no, it's not like that, it's just I don't want to put any more young men at risk."

"At risk?"

"Well, Alucard feels it's his duty to find my husband for me, and that I have no taste. Therefore, he has declared that if I ever date anyone he feels are "below me", he will eat them," Seras's eyes widened in horror.

"Alucard wouldn't do that…would he?" She could hardly see Master as being overprotective, even of Sir Integra, and not to such extremes.

"Ask him about Bobby from down the street. He should remember that scarring incident."

"What scarring incident?" Alucard materialized, apparently finding something interesting about the subject (or perhaps wondering what was taking so long…).

"Bobby from down the street," Sir Integra said between gritted teeth. Alucard furrowed his brow.

"Bobby who?" Sir Integra sighed.

"The little boy from down the street I brought cookies to," she elaborated. His eyes lit up in recognition.

"The older boy that lured you into his room," he said.

"He was tall for his age, not older," she corrected him. Alucard shook his head.

"I can't believe you're still upset about that."

"Of course I am! You tore the boy's head off his shoulders, showering me with my playmate's blood!" Her voice rose. Seras glanced at Alucard, hoping that Sir Integra was exaggerating.

"That's what happens when you bust an artery; it gushes. You wouldn't have gotten bloody if you hadn't been sitting so close to him," Seras's eyes widened in horror. He had ripped a boy's head off? Right in front of a thirteen-year-old Sir Integra? She hoped that he would have more restraint than that!

"I was sitting so close to him because I was about to have my first kiss. That is, before you butted in and killed him and now I can never speak to his family again."

"He wasn't thinking about kissing you," Sir Integra groaned.

"Alucard, why does everything have to be so blasted perverted with you? We were going to kiss, that was it, that nice innocent moment, and you ruined it. Not unlike how you ruin everything."

"A boy does not welcome you up to his room when his parents aren't home just to kiss you," Alucard insisted. He should know, Sir Integra thought darkly.

He scowled. Served him for eavesdropping on her thoughts. Poor Police Girl looked like she was going to cry.

"And then there was the incident with Sir Irons' nephew…"

"He grabbed your butt."

"I didn't say I was upset about you eating _him_, but Sir Irons definitely holds a grudge," Sir Integra pinched the bridge of her nose, "You can't just eat every young man I date."

"Sure I can; I'm improving the gene pool."

"How am I ever going to find a husband with you acting as an executioning third wheel?"

"Stop dating and let me pick your perfect husband," Sir Integra snorted.

"You don't know what my perfect husband is like."

"Maybe you are the one who doesn't know what your perfect husband is like," This conversation was definitely a little odd, Seras thought. She could see why Sir Integra was so upset with Alucard.

Sir Integra leaned forward, folding her hands, pursing her lips, and looking intently at Alucard.

"Then, tell me, oh Wise Matchmaker," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "What are the criteria for a man I can fall in love with without fearing for his life?"

Alucard crossed his arms thoughtfully; planting his feet shoulder width apart and taking an exaggerated deep breath.

"Well, the criteria for your perfect husband are as follows," he began, "First of all, he will not think perverted thoughts about you until after you're married. He will think you are beautiful, but not hot. He will not want intercourse, but when you do engage with him in it, he will enjoy every millisecond. He will listen to you, but only give his advice if you would like to hear it. He will let you be the one to wear the pants in the family, but won't be afraid to be a man when the circumstances deem it necessary. He will have a good sense of humor; not dirty or cruel. He will be mindboggling handsome, but not so much that other women would flirt with him. He will be the perfect gentleman in every positive way; helping you into your car, pulling out your chair, carrying your purse. He will be feminine enough, but not batting for the other team. And he shall be a good father," Alucard paused, "And that's barely scratching the surface," he informed her. Sir Integra chuckled.

"And where, pray tell, would I find such a man?" Alucard grinned sinisterly.

"I didn't say he had to exist, just that if you date or marry anyone below those standards, I'd eat them," he purred.

**End**


End file.
